Random...

Well back to the normal...well my normal, which isn't very normal. It's quite insane. After I thought things were getting somewhat normal I found out I have a tumor. Ok not life threatening but a brain tumor on my pineal gland. At first I was like what the hell is a pineal gland and what does it do?? I was terrified. After alot of research on the net I found out that the pineal gland controls sleep patterns. Well I've had insonmia for ages and such headaches. So now I know that taking 4 pain relievers at a time isn't going to help ever. So quit doing it. I had another mri to determine how big it was and how deep and what not. Then the biopsy, which may I add sucked! But they found out that it is a grade 1 tumor. That is good. It won't spread and it isn't getting bigger according to the doctor. So we are going to keep a watch on it with CT scans and medicine. Major pain relievers and sleeping substitutes. Plus radiation. So the results were good for everyone except me...I still have headaches, I still can't sleep, I have to take radiation and no one else does. So everyone is happy about the results. I have to put a happy face on and smile with everyone. But the truth is I'm not smiling. I'm in such pain and scared to death still. I have been through so much and I thought maybe just maybe the clouds had cleared but no. I'm so tired of all the darkness. I want to be happy. I want to do the right things. I want to just live normal. Most people would say be happy that it isn't cancer. I am happy for that. I think I just have always thought my life would be something else. And it isn't what i thought or wanted. My kids are the only thing that keeps me going anymore. If it wasn't for them I would have lost it a while ago.

See? The blog is already helping...LOL I'm venting but not bothering a soul with my problems. Well it's time to lay in bed and toss and turn for hours and then get up for work at 5am. But I'm smiling...should have been an actress.